I woke up today with my endless news app flashing that you committed suicide. And I was numb, yeah numb is what only you understood fully. As I write this I go back to this young girl on a sports trip where you were introduced to me. My first rock, that thumping, that anger that I never imagined could exist, I came face to face.
To the days when I was an introvert, shy, nerd girl who thought she was ugly and was not desired by anyone (Ya there was a time when being nerd was not at all sexy) and somehow you understood me, you understood how I had complaints against everyone not understanding us. And how how how you gave a voice to all of those repressed sentiments.
And you gave all of us Alices our own wonderlands, where we would creep in to escape the complexities of life, a little world where everything was just humane. And a music that we keep listening to again and again.
And today as I read heartfelt tributes to you I know why Linkin Park is one among millions of us, it is the same reason Bennington’s death is so devastating. You helped all of us cope with our own issues for years — as an outreached hand for those struggling. “I’m holding on/ Why is everything so heavy?” It’s a simple couplet that offers a striking sense of empathy for those finding the day-to-day difficult. If it hints at the issues you were facing in your final moments, it also encourages others to try to hold on.
You don’t owe any of us a reason for suicide but you going away is scary. Depression is for real and when you say that no human is immune to wrong choices, i believe you. Maybe you were betrayed by judgmental friends and arm chair advisors without even having a hint about what you were going through.
Thank You for your “holding on” pal.
Thank You for your music pal.