Postcard from P: Dear Women, You are doing it all wrong

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Scenario 1: The movie called Waiting where Kalki’s husband has met with an accident and is in coma, a newly wed she is so emotionally shaken that she does not understand why it happened with her in the first place and when she does realize that it has actually happened she breaks down. Comes husband’s bag from the police station and she switches on the phone to find 32 messages with some Kiran.

Comes Day 2, the grief stricken wife who was not able to breathe a day earlier turns into “Were they sleeping together! Was that bitch f***ing my husband!” avatar and gives a damn about the husband that is in coma. Later that kiran turns out to be a man…………:-) yes a man.

Scenario 2 : A friend goes on to meet a school friend on coffee. The guy and his wife have recently shifted to Goa and are columnists with a leading newspaper. This journo couple are known for being “an ideal” couple. So this friend asks his friend “Wow you have shifted to Goa, I can come over anytime if I plan to travel.” To this the male friend jumps and says “ No, don’t even think about it. Shilpa (his wife) is paranoid about me talking to any girl. Marriage sucks, you should know it”. My friend came from the coffee shop and when I asked “How was the meet up”. She replies “BLOCKED”.

Scenario 3 : A friend who is at the one of the most prestigious administrative services and almost got a viral stature for his progressive symbolic act of ending discrimination of a woman by society completely goes offline as soon as he steps inside his home as his wife checks his phone at any random time and he never knows what she may pick up to start an altercation. He does not want to “get caught” and we wonder if this check mechanism is what a marriage has turned into.

 

These are the educated, rational women we are talking about. Dear women: What the hell is wrong with you? We’ve all most likely been at one or the other ends of this scenario; we’ve either been the worrier or been with the worrier. Chances are, we’ve actually experienced both.But do you realize this kind of insecurity is toxic to the relationship. the very acting out of our insecurities can push our partner away, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because this struggle is so internal and most of the time even independent of circumstances, it’s important to deal with our insecurities without distorting or dragging our partner into them.

Relationships shake us up. They challenge core feelings we have about ourselves and evict us from long-lived-in comfort zones. They tend to turn up the volume of our inner voice and reopen unresolved wounds from our past. If we felt abandoned as a child, the aloof behavior of a romantic partner does not mean he is going to abandon you. If you have witnessed a troubled childhood, it doesn’t mean that acting as a phone or internet police will act as a preventive measure.

Just remember “Prevention is better than cure” is not an explanation for your paranoid insecurities, so stop using them. I am sorry if your husband was once a cheater, if he wants to cheat, he will anyhow do that. So kick that asshole and move out but don’t make your partner’s life hell by “What if he cheats” loop in your head.

There is no “ Aww” relationships nor are their any working model except one key word – Understanding and Respect. Don’t undermine the very fundamental of a beautiful relationship. As hard as it may feel to connect our contemporary reactions with a behavior pattern, it is an invaluable tool for getting to know ourselves, and ultimately, for challenging behaviors that don’t serve us or even fit with our real, adult life

We all have an “inner voice” that says “OMG! I think he is cheating on me”, don’t let it overpower you. The goal of any relationship should not to get into a “S” size LBD to keep his interest intact. You are a goddamn person and not a season of game of thrones to keep his interest intact. People with low self-esteem not only want their partner to see them in a better light than they see themselves, but in moments of self-doubt, they have trouble even recognizing their partner’s affirmations. In other words, we shouldn’t forego essential parts of who we are in order to become merged into a couple.

Snooping through their text messages, calling every few minutes to see where they are, getting mad every time they look at another attractive person – these are all acts that scream of reassurance. Remember this kind of attitude comes from within, and unless we can overcome them within ourselves, it won’t matter how smart, sexy, worthy or attractive our partner tells us we are.

When was a relationship meant to be between equals. It’s marriage and not a voting right.We have to accept that our partner is an individual, a separate individual. We don’t always express our love in the same way. This doesn’t mean we should settle for someone who doesn’t offer us what we want in a relationship, but when we do find someone who we value and love, we should try not to enter into a “I am watching you” relationship.

When we love someone and allow us to be loved, the emotional invest brings with it insecurities but trust is one big word. When we don’t let our insecurities make us do something that we ourselves don’t respect, relationship is one happy journey. What would be the worst possible thing – He will cheat.

No my lovely ladies,”Men are polygamous” statement is just another sentence that says “I have to tolerate his bull shit”.  Get rid of that negativity and you will find you growing within. No time is wasted, never are the emotions wasted that taught us to love, that showed how vulnerable we can be and that made us learn a lesson or two.

So have a rocking marriage ladies and men, you can thank me later.

P.S.- The feminist brigade can start an attack on me now.

Love

P.

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10 Replies to “Postcard from P: Dear Women, You are doing it all wrong”

  1. wow pooja beautifully written, i must say ” women are more sensitive they over think every little things, they care way more than they should, but that’s what makes their love so strong”…..love u for writing this article because to some extend was having same thought, but definitely it gonna change.

  2. A lot of problems arising from ill assumptions can be avoided if there is communication between them. By that I mean to openly talk with the partner. It is only natural to have doubts, but they must talk themselves out of it and reassure themselves.
    “When was a relationship meant to be between equals.” exactly. Someone once told me that love doesn’t need to be equal or more, it just needs to be true. People have different ways of expressing it.Loved your thoughts. 🙂

  3. Hi Pooja,
    I really appreciate your writing. You always maintain a nice flow in your writing and it is always well structured. Your choice of words and sentences amaze me on how good writing can be. At the same time, you make a conscious effort to ensure that it is easy for everyone to understand.
    Coming to this blog, I believe what you have written is applicable for both genders. We should first learn to trust before we doubt. Life can be so easy with that.
    In my opinion below are some of the most powerful sentences (in your blog) that will help everyone:
    – “But do you realize this kind of insecurity is toxic to the relationship. the very acting out of our insecurities can push our partner away, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy”
    – “If we felt abandoned as a child, the aloof behavior of a romantic partner does not mean he is going to abandon you”
    – “When was a relationship meant to be between equals. It’s marriage and not a voting right”
    – “…but when we do find someone who we value and love, we should try not to enter into a “I am watching you” relationship.”

    Thank you for the wonderful blog post.
    Regards
    Pankaj Pareek

    1. You read it so keenly Pankaj . Thank you for all the appreciation. I know this goes for both both the gender but enough of men bashing, i really wanted to write what women are doing wrong

  4. This lines sums it up for me ~ “I am sorry if your husband was once a cheater, if he wants to cheat, he will anyhow do that. So kick that asshole and move out but don’t make your partner’s life hell by “What if he cheats” loop in your head”

    I am a feminist but in addition to the things above with respect to relationships there are a few more everyday things that women should acknowledge and appreciate as well.

    Like seating on the seats allotted to them when they are unoccupied, cz men are not allowed to sit there.

    Dont stand outside a rickshaw which is full and make that unwilling guy to step out and sit uncomfortably besides the driver, just to accommodate the female, when she could have easily take the next one.

    and a few more…

    1. Thank You Karan……..Actually there are many things that we both men and women are doing wrong. But then i was talking about the issues that lead to relationship woes which are preventable.

  5. This is hilarious. Well its other way also. My male friend always have some issues with me talking to other men. Can’t tell you the way he justifies “I don’t give you time….this makes me insecure.” he always has this particular reason.
    I think I have guessed the last case you are talking about well its good he goes offline because I often send him foolish tweets though meant only for fun n I didn’t have single idea that relationships are complicated to even sensible man. Now I will be more careful with friends and comments I don’t want anyone to be banged because of my 2 minute fun.

  6. Insecurity is toxic in relationships it doesn’t matter if its men or women. But people come with their own baggage and their actions are a result of this. Working through issues is how we will grow.

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